"Good Afternnon, Mr. Armbruster" were the words our drunken detective heard as he was awoken from his drunken slumber.
Standing across the desk from him was a man dressed in white, he had on one of those old time Doctor jackets, the one's with the buttons down one side. On his head is a wide brimmed Zoot Suit style hat. His face painted up to look like a skull.
"Who are you? What do you want? How did you get past Snookie?"
"Well, Mr. Armbruster. What my name is not important, I am here to save you from a life not worth living & how I got past your gal friday was I saved her."
"What? You killed Snookie?"
"No, Mr. Armbruster. If I had killed Miss Takashi, I would have said so. I have saved her from a life not worth living."
"What does that mean?"
"I contacted her parents, such nice people. I told them were their daughter was & what she had been doing. They were very disappointed in her, she was not following her parents desires for what her life is to be like. So, before I entered this crack den you call a workplace, They entered & took her away. She screamed a bit & tried to fight back but you can't fight a Mother & Father's loving touch. I think they're taking her back to Sacramento. Nice place, good Tacos."
The man in white then smiled, it creeped Arnie out.
"Now, that we have gotten over that bit of unpleasantness. Let's get down to business." He said as he pulled out a handgun from under his jacket & aimed the barrell at Arnie's head.
"What are you going to do with that?" Arnie asked fearing the answer.
"As I said I'm here to save you from a life not worth living!"
"But for Snookie it meant calling her Parents & having them take her to Sacremento for Tacos. Why do I get to be shot?"
"Ashley has family, a family that loves & cares for her well being. Her being here with you is unhealthy. She's dying."
"What?"
"Yes. Ashley is dying a slow painful death & your the cause!"
It took Arnie a moment to think who was Ashley but then he remembered that was Snookie's real first name.
"Why am I the cause?"
"Everything you do or don't do destroys. Everyone you come in contact with & everyone they come in contact with kills. You are a Weapon of Mass Destruction! Example: Your Parents are dead."
"But they're old!"
"Who made them old? You did!" The man screamed. "The women you've, I'll use this term lossely, dated: They're Dead!"
"But.. But... But.." Arnie stuttered.
"The other people in this building: Dead!"
"But, I thought this building was mostly abandonned except for Old Man Winters on the second floor & he had cancer!"
"Who gave him Cancer?" The man shouted.
"Cigerettes?" Arnie guessed.
"No. You did!" The Man said putting his finger on the trigger. "And then there's Kevin..."
"Who?" Arnie intereupted.
"You heartless jerk! Kevin! The little boy who all he want for his Make-A-Wish Foundation wish was to hug a puppy! That's it! All Kevin wanted to do was hug a puppy! He didn't care what type, how old it was, what color or even if it smelled bad! He just wanted to hug a puppy! Was that to much to ask?" The man in white said, as he talked he began to get hysterical. He started to wave the gun around franticly. He also started to cry thus runing his makeup.
He regained his composure & pointed the gun back at Arnie's head. But, when he started to talk he lost it again. "Was that to much to ask? You just needed to take an Afternoon off, stop by little Kevin's hospital room with a rented Puppy or even one you just found on the side of the road, any Puppy really. All you had to was stop on by for like 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. Now, you can't. Why? Because he's DEAD! Kevin died yesterday, never knowning the warmth of a little puppy! You denied this dying boy's last wish! What kind of Monster are you?"
Arnie ingoring the question said "I don't know any Kevin."
"Yes, you do. He was your Son!"
"What?"
"Yes. You have a now dead son who was named Kevin & all he want before he died was to hug a puppy."
"Who's his mother?" Arnie asked.
"You don't even know that?"
"No. A few seconds go I didn't even know I had a son."
"You sick Bastard!" The man in white was about to strike Arnie across the face with the side of the gun but stoped. "His Mother's dead, along with all the rest of the women in your life."
"But you said Snookie went to Sacramento?"
"Besides her." The man spit back.
"oh."
"Kevin's mother was my Wife."
"Then how do you know Kevin isn't your kid?"
"DNA testing, plus I have a medical condistion which prevents me from doing so."
"oh."
"After I found out, I set about learning all a could about you, Mr. Arnold James Flying Hippotamus Armbruster! What kind of name is that anyway?"
"Well, I'm a 1/3rd Native American."
"No, your not. Your not even 1/95th Native American, there is no Native American blood runing through those filthy veins of yours."
"Ok, your right. My dad just got drunken the day I was born & named after the things he saw when he woke up: my uncle Arnold, my uncle gay lover James & a Flying Hippotamus."
"And now their dead."
"I'm not sure of the Hippo was ever really real in the first place."
"Where was dear old mom during all this?"
"Drunk. When she woke up she saw: a Toilet, a picture of Phil Donahue & a empty bottle of Whiskey. It was a good thing she was up second or I would have been Toilet Phillip Daniels Armbruster, no kid should have to go through life named Toilet."
"True. But it doesn't excuse the fact you killed your Mother!"
"I did not. I just called her last week & she's enjoying playing Golf in Florida."
"But, you said they were dead?"
"No, you said they died. I said they were old."
The man in white paused for a moment to think that over & but then shook it off. He returned to his original point "That all doesn't matter I'm here to save you from a Life not worth living!"
"Ok. Then shoot me already!"
"What?"
"If your going to shoot me then Shoot Me already!"
So, he did.
*BANG*
"Ahhhh! You shot me, you really shot me! I thought you were just bluffing & the gun was unloded. I didn't think you were really going to do it" Arnie screamed as he held his hand of his right, now bleeding, shoulder.
"I told you I would, you said I should so I did."
"And how does this save me from living a life not worth living?"
This question caught the man in white offguard. He paused for a moment & then said "Isn't Obvious?"
"No!" Arnie screamed. "You don't kidnap a guy's assiatant by using her parents, wake him up from a nap & then go off on him for killing people which he hasn't. Then, shoot him for no really reason other then some fortune cookie saying about saving their life."
Arnie stood up from his desk & walked over to the man in white. "In fact if I don't get this bullet out of my arm, I might die! Are you happy now?"
They both stood there, stairing at each other. Arnie bleeding on the man in white.
"Well?" Arnie asked.
"I made since in my mind." The man in white said sheepily
"Lots of stuff makes since in our minds."
The man in white turns away from Arnie & starts to head out the door. Just as he does, turns back & says "Sorry."
-------------------
Somewhere in Sacremento....
"These are good Tacos!" Ashley "Snookie" Takashi says as she bites into her fifth taco.
"Yes they are, dear. Now wiped your chin, we don't people thinking you got your eating habits from the nasty old Mr. Armbruster." Mrs. Takashi said as she handed her daughter a napkin.
